Children are not Your Friends

As an educator I obviously believe that school is an essential influence on a child's life. But the fact is that school comprises only approximately 20% of any child's life. And even if I subtract sleep and add in homework, I can only increase that percentage to somewhere in the 30s. But I can't responsibly claim a higher percentage of influence than that.

And that's why I appreciate the contributions that parents make to their children's education. Their role - your role - is imperative because it is you who are responsible for the vast majority of your children's education. Without you and the support that you manifest for schools and for teachers - for what we do and how we do it - my job as an educator would be almost impossible.

So I'm grateful to you and for you, and I thank you for all you do. I admire all of you who are genuinely interested in what your kids are doing, who support them in their struggles, and who celebrate with them when they succeed.

I know that parenting can be difficult, but despite what they would have you sometimes believe, children crave your approbation, and they need your guidance.

I know that parenting can be difficult, but despite what they would have you sometimes believe, what children do not need from you is for you to be their friend.

There is a clear difference between parents and children.

Call it maturity, call it experience, call it common sense - it doesn't really matter how one defines the difference. The fact is that children and parents are different.

While children might look as though they are adults, children's brains are different than adult brains.

(This may sound distressingly familiar to parents): the fact is that in children, and especially in adolescents, the equilibrium between the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for, among other things, reasoning, for planning and organization, and for balancing moods) and the hypothalamus (the part of the brain responsible for, among other things, governing the basic animal drives of eating, of flight vs. fight, and of sex) is disproportionately weighted toward the hypothalamus.

The prefrontal cortex takes a long time to develop, which is why it is essential that parents play the role of guide and arbiter for children. For the fact is that while children can play at being adults, they are not adults. Their immature brains won't let them be adults.

Those immature brains need parental approbation, and those brains crave parental guidance.

Which is why it is not appropriate for you to be friends with your children.

The role of parent is similar to the role of the prefrontal cortex. Because children tend to be disproportionately governed by their hypothalami, parents need to serve as a rational counterbalance.

Children need the guidance that parents provide, and part of that guidance is not being afraid to tell your children "No."

I'm not suggesting that children shouldn't be part of the conversation, that children should be seen and not heard. What I'm suggesting is that parents should be telling their children "No" on a regular basis.

"No, you can't go to the party if his parents aren't going to be there."

"No, you can't wear thong underwear."

"No, you can't go to the skate park until you've finished your homework."

And while it might be easier for a parent to be a child's friend, I believe that parents too often abrogate their responsibility to their children because they have a difficult time saying "No" to their children, because it is more comfortable to be friends with their children than it is to be parents to their children.

Just say "No" to being your children's friend. Simply being their parent will serve your children best.

--Steve McKibben
5/27/07